Resources For Emotional Abusers

As of Spring 2025, we are in the process of building our curriculum for our intensives. As we do this, we'd like to share our framework for addressing emotionally abusive behaviors and starting the healing process. ​Click here for our free handout. Then enlist the help of a local trustworthy marriage & family therapist (start by asking family and friends or your family doctor if they can recommend someone) to help facilitate your recovery.

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In a nutshell, here are the 5 core steps to recovery from emotionally abusive behaviors:

1. Identify abusive behaviors and catch yourself as they happen.

2. Come clean on any secrets (e.g., cheating on spouse, addictions) and face childhood trauma (e.g., sexual abuse, abuse from parents). Minimum, come clean to yourself. Ideally, share these things with your partner or close friend. 

3. Identify feelings of shame, worthlessness and defectiveness. Then start to build self-worth.

4. Build empathy and eliminate feelings of entitlement.

5. Feel your feelings instead of using distractions or abusive behaviors to avoid feeling pain.

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All of these steps involve an intense commitment to self-discovery and regular therapy.

Beverly Engel's The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is a fantastic starting point to identifying signs of abusive behaviors. Click here to see one of her interviews. 

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Here are the most common signs and symptoms of emotional abuse:

• belittling, criticizing, and humiliating; blaming the victim for everything that goes wrong

• manipulating, lying and gaslighting

• controlling (controls their time, who they see, where they go, what they wear) and isolating (isolates the victim from friends and family; demands all the victim's attention)

Most abusers have feelings of worthlessness and faulty core beliefs stemming from traumatic childhoods. The late John Bradshaw's "Inner Child" work can help individuals to face childhood trauma head-on. Watch this lecture and this moving meditation exercise featured on Oprah and see if what Bradshaw shares resonates with you. Next, check out his bestseller Homecoming.

Adia Gooden, PhD explains,"Unconditional self-worth is the sense that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for, to take up space." Does this ring true for you? If not, continue reading.

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Why does a lack of self-worth matter? Because when we hate ourselves, that hatred drives us to criticize and belittle others. Everything we feel insecure about, we send that outward. We feel stupid, we make our loved ones feel stupid; we feel like a failure, we make them feel like a failure. Redirecting our own insecurities outward gives us some (albeit artificial, short-lasting) sense of control and prevents us from becoming immersed in our own emotional wounds. So we need to start facing these insecurities and these core beliefs - what are they and what caused them - head-on.

Take the first step by reading Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self Esteem and watching Dr Adia Gooden's Ted Talk. If you can work with the goals of (1) becoming your own best friend, (2) truly enjoying being alone, and (3) building unconditional self-worth, you're creating a solid foundation for recovery.

Mindfulness and self-acceptance are excellent tools to build your emotional toolkit to manage unpleasant emotions. Tara Brach and Jon Kabat-Zinn are two leaders in the field who have written Radical Acceptance and Full Catastrophe Living, respectively. 

There are 2 prerequisites for abusive behaviors: a sense of entitlement and an inability to empathize with the victim. “Entitlement” is the feeling that others exist to fulfill your own needs. Abusers frequently tell themselves they “deserve” things. They deserve to let off some steam; deserve to get their way without any discussion; deserve sex regardless of a spouse’s interest. At some level, entitled people feel they deserve to hold the power in the relationship, because they never had power as a child. They were bullied or they were abused, and now is their chance to reclaim their power, even if it means dominating the person they love the most. Building empathy shatters that misconception, reminding the abuser that we’re all equal and all deserving of kindness. No one is entitled to abuse others.

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Consider reading Houston Kraft's Deep Kindness to explore what it means to build empathy. And work with the victim to understand the effects abusive behaviors have had on him/her. And again, refer to Beverly Engel's work (see "Learn What Emotional Abuse Looks Like") to gain a bigger picture of the long-term effects of abuse on an individual.

Here are some recommended YouTube videos that walk you through helpful anger management techniques:

-a short, simple video for kids and adults

-a more comprehensive, 30-minute video created by Barbara Heffernan, MSW on ways to better understand and manage anger using CBT techniques

-Christian Conte, PhD, is a therapist and domestic violence counselor who offers this 11-minute video covering 5 steps to manage anger

Do you use substances or behaviors to self-medicate? Note if you find yourself using any of the following to numb yourself from unwanted feelings:

• drugs, alcohol, pills

• sex, "sexting"and/or pornography

• gambling

• binge eating, restricting food, excessively exercising

If you've tried to cut back on a substance or behavior without success, feel you're losing control, or if it's interfering with relationships or work, then consider a 12 step program to address your problem.

Psychologist Omar Minwalla has coined the term "Integrity Abuse Disorder" to describe the psychological abuse that goes hand-in-hand with betraying one's partner. Individuals may betray a partner by cheating (either in person or "just" online/sexting) or hiding a life of pornography. In order to maintain these hidden lives, the cheating partner will lie and gaslight the other, distorting a partner's reality to hide the cheater's behavior. The effects are significant. Betrayed partners can suffer lifelong Complex PTSD from discovery of the partner's betrayal.

• The Suicide Lifeline at 988 offers phone and texting options to help talk you through a crisis.​

• National Helpline for Male Survivors has this support group chat feature for male survivors of sexual abuse​

• National Sexual Assault Hotline is 800-656-HOPE (4673) or click here​ to chat​

• National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800.799.SAFE or click here to chat